Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
