These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
