fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
