My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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