If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
