I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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