This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
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Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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