Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
