My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
