We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I party with great urgency now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
