I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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