She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
