So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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