Don't make out with my wife yet
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
