You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
