He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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