i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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