His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't put those talents on a resume
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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