walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
