he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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