I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
