the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
