when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
