omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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