Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
