We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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