as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
