Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
