I'm so fucking centered right now
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
