you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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