I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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