I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
