I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
