I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
