You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
