After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
