Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
