My hand turned me down
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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