If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
