i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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