dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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