I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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