He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize