wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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