So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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