No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
