drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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