Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
