4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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