Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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