I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
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Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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