a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
