she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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