we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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