Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
