they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
