Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
